


Finally See What it Means to be Living

by Stralia_Harker



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Masturbation, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:28:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23210071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stralia_Harker/pseuds/Stralia_Harker
Summary: They finally left Hawkins behind, but life isn't always what you expect.
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Comments: 3
Kudos: 95





	Finally See What it Means to be Living

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Tracy Chapman's song Fast Car. 
> 
> As always constructive feedback welcome.

It had only been three years since they left Hawkins, tail lights of the camaro shining, the welcome sign in the rear view. They were ready and determined, the two of them against the world. Young and in love, stars in their eyes and dreams in their heads. They had been so excited to get out, so ready to be free. No interdimensional monsters, no government agencies, no disapproving parents to taint their happiness. Somehow they had found each other, and they had saved each other. They were ready to start the rest of their lives.

The first couple of months weren’t too bad, they had saved some money, and had the hush money from the government coming so they were able to find a place. They fixed it up and made it their home. It was nice being able to enjoy it and they weren’t too stressed about finding jobs. They’d sit together and cuddle, watching television and having dinner. They could share a bed and no one had to leave before the sun came up. They’d chase each other around the apartment giggling like children. They made love all over, the living room, the entryway, one hilariously memorable time in the kitchen left a permanent dent in the linoleum. 

They’d both found work, Steve in a small law office, he answered phones and set appointments. His time as wrangling kids left him quite competent at handling all the schedules and various obligations for each of the three lawyers. He sometimes had to work late hours to make sure they were ready for court. Billy worked maintenance in a high rise in downtown chicago. He made a decent wage and had benefits, he was learning a lot on the job and was well liked by the guys he worked with. He’d go out and get drinks with them sometimes when work was over. 

Though they still got their monthly stipend from the government, the amount had decreased, which they had been told was going to happen. Billy’s benefits helped cut the cost on the physical therapy he still had to go through. He had healed but oftentimes his shoulder would act up and he’d have to go back to get it working right again. Steve had therapy appointments to help him with his ptsd and nightmares, but he didn’t have benefits, so sometimes that took a good chunk of cash. They were getting by. Then the law office was merged with another and Steve was let go. The new office was only going to employ paralegals. They gave him a small severance package which he hoped would last till he got a new job. 

Billy assured him they’d be ok. He was still working, and they had the checks to help. They sat down and came up with a budget and worked hard to stick to it. The lawyers had written him a wonderful letter of recommendation and they had allowed one of the paralegals to help him write a resume. Still, he had a limited skill set and most places he looked wanted an associates degree or a certificate of some sort. He eventually took a job at the grocery store near the apartment. It paid significantly less and stressed him out more but he was working at least. 

He and Billy didn’t see each other as much anymore, most of Steve’s shifts being in the evening, he was usually gone before Billy got home from work. Billy didn’t want to wake him in the mornings. They’d spend Steve’s days off together though. Even if it was just a few hours in the evening. But slowly it started to get overwhelming. Steve couldn’t see the therapist as often, so sometimes the shadows would creep back in and he would sit, quiet and barely responding to Billy. So Billy let his appointments go, used the money to send Steve back to therapy. He’d just have a couple of beers at home, it took the edge off the pain. 

The beers at home started turning into beers at the bar, usually with his co-workers. Some of those days turned into Steve’s days off. He’d sit and wait for Billy on their couch, he fell asleep there more often than not. He knew Billy wasn’t cheating on him, but he missed him. He didn’t want to upset him though, knew Billy deserved to unwind, he was the one making more money and really keeping them afloat. And Steve knew about Billy using the money for his appointments for Steve’s therapy. 

Eventually Steve mentioned it to Billy, that he missed him, and asked him to be home early one night. Billy said ok, and did come home, they had dinner and lay on the couch, tangled in each other. They fell asleep there and when Steve woke, Billy was getting ready to leave for work. And as Billy said by and closed the door Steve realized he couldn’t remember the last time Billy had kissed him. They’d been so busy and overwhelmed. Steve though maybe they could reconnect next time he had a night off. 

So started a cycle, Billy would stay home on Steve’s day off for a few weeks, then it would be back out with his friends, Steve would bring it up and Billy would be home again. Sometimes they’d have sex, mostly not. But even when they were having sex, it felt so mechanical, there was no connection. Steve still loved Billy, so he took what he could get. He hoped somehow things would change. That it would get better and they could be them again.

His hopes were answered when one of his old bosses called, he’d wasn’t happy with the new environment and had started a law office of his own, he wanted Steve to come back and work for him. Steve of course jumped at the opportunity. He went and did the paperwork and as soon as they called to tell him to be in the office on Monday he put in notice at the grocery store. His next day off he asked Billy to be home early, he was going to make a celebration dinner and tell him the good news. 

Steve had dinner ready, he was so full of excitement and relief. Things were going to be better now, Billy could go back to therapy, they’d wouldn’t have to be so stressed out. Maybe they could spend more time again. By 8 o’clock Steve had given up. Billy was with his buddies again. He ate his dinner and wrapped the leftovers up. He had just finished washing dishes when he heard the key in the lock. He went to the living room and saw as Billy came in. Clearly intoxicated. Steve sighed and bit down his remark. This would have to wait till morning. Sometimes Billy could still be mean when he was drunk.

Steve went and got a glass of water in the kitchen and he heard Billy’s footsteps behind him. Suddenly he was whipped around and Billy was pinning his shoulders to the refrigerator. His eyes flashing with anger. Steve went to ask what was wrong but before he could get the words out Billy asked why he’d quit his job. He’d run into one of Steve’s coworkers at the bar, they’d mentioned that Steve was going to be missed at the store. Billy had downed the rest of the beer and headed home. 

Steve tried to explain but Billy kept cutting him off, yelling about bills and how this was going to be harder for him. He ranted and raved about not even being asked or included in the decision. Steve just stood silently waiting for Billy to pause or stop so he could tell him, let him know that it was ok, he had a job. But Billy never relented. It came to a head when he called Steve stupid, and said that maybe Nancy was right about him being bullshit after all. Steve didn’t leave the kitchen until Billy had passed out, then he sat on the couch and cried.

Billy woke up with his head in a vice. It was too bright and any movement sent his stomach spinning. He looked at the clock, it was around noon. He can’t remember why he drank so much the night before. He looked to the side and realized Steve wasn’t there, he usually slept late due to his late shifts. Billy tried to think then remembered Steve had been off the night before. Then he remembered he had agreed to come home. And he knew Steve was probably mad. He got up and made his way into the living room, wanting to apologize. 

Steve didn’t ask him to come home early as much anymore, and Billy knew he felt bad about not making as much money and having to be the reason Billy didn’t see his physical therapist anymore. And Billy knew he was lonely, and it was a vicious cycle for Billy. He missed Steve, but when he saw Steve he felt guilty about how he was neglecting him, so he avoided him, but then he felt bad about avoiding him. Which inevitably resulted in him staying a little later at the bar so he could drink a little extra to forget. Something had to change and Billy knew some of it had to be him. 

He didn’t see Steve on the couch or on their small balcony. He looked around for a note, usually Steve left him one. He headed to the kitchen and saw a glass of water on the counter by the refrigerator. He drank that and headed to the room. Maybe the note was on the end table. No note there either, Billy was a little confused but not concerned, not until he went into the bathroom. Steve’s toiletries were gone, he headed to the room and opened the closet, the clothes were gone. 

Panicking Billy was trying to figure it out. Where was Steve, why didn’t he say anything. How could he leave and not even tell him. Billy started pacing the apartment, trying to figure out what to do. While he was trying to figure out who to call, he realized he didn’t know much about Steve’s life anymore. Other than the store, he had no idea who to call. He called the store, Steve’s boss told him Steve didn’t work there anymore. Billy’s brow furrowed in confusion, then he started to remember bits and pieces from the night before. Steve’s coworker, Steve had put in his notice. He remembered being mad, and he remembered Steve’s shocked look. Had he hit him. Billy felt something in the pit of his stomach and prayed he hadn’t laid hands on Steve. But it had to have been bad if Steve had left.

While he was stewing in his thoughts the phone rang. Billy ran and picked it up, silently begging it to be Steve. It wasn’t , it was a friend, she told him Steve asked her to call, to tell him he was fine. He was sorry, that he knew he was stupid and he didn’t mean to be bullshit. He knew he was a shitty boyfriend. She told him Steve said he was sorry he couldn’t call himself. The last thing she said was that Steve hoped he would be happy and finally find real true love, he was sorry he wasn’t the one. 

She hung up and Billy’s eyes flooded. Everything poured out. Steve was gone. He was gone and it was Billy’s fault. There was no way it wasn’t. He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t even fix it, he didn’t know where Steve was. He took a deep breath as he felt his heart shatter in his chest. This wasn’t supposed to happen, they were supposed to be happy. After everything, Billy had believed they were going to make it. Billy sat on the floor, he didn’t leave that spot for the rest of the day. 

It had been 17 days since Steve had left. Billy knew exactly. He counted each one. He’d had time to think back on what happened, how it had come to this. It hurt like hell for him to acknowledge that yes he had felt guilty and avoided Steve, but it wasn’t just guilt. There was resentment. He had started to resent him and seeing him as a burden. And Steve tried. He kept the house clean, he cooked, and made Billy’s lunches. He was a perfect little house husband, when he didn’t have work. He followed Billy’s budgets, clipped coupons and found any deal he could to save them money. 

Billy didn’t see it at the time, but now it was staring him in the face. Everything he took for granted, everything he felt Steve was obligated to do, that was all Steve trying. He was even the one trying to fix their relationship, and Billy had just seen it as Steve being needy. What killed him the most was remembering the last things he said to Steve. It was a hazy memory but it was there. He’d called him stupid, called him bullshit. Blamed him for all of it. 

Billy hadn’t been to the bar once since Steve left. He kept a six pack in the fridge, one beer a day when he got home. Even if Steve couldn’t see it, Billy had to do it. He had to get his head together. He had called Joyce. Told her what happened. She said Steve had called too. She promised to tell Billy when Steve seemed ready to hear from him. He wanted to apologize, Steve deserved that much. He needed him to know that he was angry and irrational. Steve was not stupid, Steve was not bullshit, he was.

17 days, going into 18. He was miserable, and sad, so, so sad. He didn’t realize how used to Steve he was. He missed the giggles he’d let out when he was watching tv. He missed the small breaths he’d let out when he was sleeping. He missed just being next to him, and he cursed that he hadn’t seen it sooner, like Steve did. All he’d asked for was one night a week, and Billy couldn’t give him that. He understood how Steve must’ve felt when Billy didn’t come home. 

He had showered and was getting ready for bed, he stopped when he entered the bedroom, Steve was there. He was sitting on the bed, hands in his lap. He looked up when he heard Billy’s gasp. They stared at each other, Billy not wanting to make Steve leave, Steve not sure what to say. Billy shifted as the silence started to border on awkward. 

“My boss got a new client, an important one. He took us for drinks. Scott was there, he asked me if you were doing better. Said you hadn’t come out with them in a couple weeks.” Steve was looking at the ground again, looking a little unsure. 

“Yeah, I haven’t felt like going. I stay here. Have a beer after work. Sleep.” Billy trailed off, he shifted “How are you?” 

“Ok sometimes, sad mostly.” Steve’s honesty unnerved Billy a little, but he appreciated it. 

“There’s a girl,” And Billy’s heart clenched at those words, but he had to let Steve finish, knew there was a reason he was bringing it up. “There’s a girl who works at the coffee shop by my job, she always flirts when I pick up the order for the office. She’s pretty. I thought about her one night, that maybe I should give it a go, maybe I could just live the life my parents wanted me to. House, pretty wife, kids. All of it. I was gonna ask her out the next day, just rip the bandaid and move on.” He looked up, making sure Billy was still there, then continued.

“I tried to picture it, me coming home, kids running around, her making dinner. I can’t do it. I think about my future and you are all I see, you’re all I’ve ever seen. Even with Nancy, I thought ‘I could marry her’, but I never actually pictured it. But with you, I could always see it clearly. I really thought we were going to make it, go all the way to the end. I know that if it’s not you, it’s not going to be anybody. I just wanted to check on you, wanted to tell you I’m sorry. And I really wanted you to know, there was never a point where I stopped loving you, things just got messed up.” 

Billy stood there taking it all in, eyes watering. Steve looked a little relieved, like some of the weight he was carrying had been lifted. Steve started to get up, looking a little hurt by Billy’s lack of response. Billy had never been good with words and emotions, but if he was going to give it a go, now was the time.

“I’m the one who’s bullshit.” Steve stilled and looked up, surprised and confused. “I kept thinking about what I did to make you leave like you did. I remembered your eyes, and I thought I may have hit you. So I kept thinking, trying to make myself remember the rest. I got pieces, the important stuff. You were right to go, I said things I knew would hurt, I may as well have hit you. I think the words were worse.” 

Billy crossed the room and kneeled down in front of Steve. He needed to look him in the eyes, needed Steve to understand everything he was going to say. Even if Steve still left, he needed him to understand, know that Billy was sorry and that none of it was Steve’s fault. He may not be able to fix them, but he could at least repair the damage he did to Steve. He took Steve’s face in his hands and continued on.

“I should have come home like you asked, it was important to you. You let me get away with so much and asked so little. I didn’t use my words, and I should have before then, I got resentful.” He felt Steve pull back at that, but managed to keep his face to him. “I should’ve said something, but I wrote it off, excused it as guilt for not being a good partner. None of this is on you, we were failing and you never gave up. I’m sorry I failed you, I’m sorry I made you feel small and unloved. I’m sorry I called you stupid, you’re not, you saw it, and you tried,you tried so hard. I was too stupid to notice.” Billy finished and Steve leaned in, placing his forehead against Billy’s. He grabbed Billy’s wrists and for a second Billy thought Steve was going to pull him off.

“Thank you.” Steve whispered. “I miss you. I have so much to tell you. A lot of good stuff happened and you are the only person I’ve wanted to tell.” 

“ I miss you too. Do you want to stay, you can tell me all about it, I think I need to get to know you again.” Steve smiled and nodded. He closed his eyes when he felt Billy’s lips on his, enjoying the way the warmth spread through him. He had really missed this, had been missing this, for longer than the two weeks he’d been gone. 

Billy pulled back and smiled, he pushed Steve’s hair back from his eyes. He stood up and Steve put his arms around his waist. He hugged Billy to him, Billy’s fingers running through his hair. Billy gasped as when he felt Steve’s lips against his stomach. Kisses dotting his abs, he felt Steve’s hands on his ass, gently squeezing, coaxing him forward. Billy’s hips moved, seeking contact and Steve moved one had to undo the string on Billy’s pants, Billy helped push them down, and stepped out when they hit the floor. He felt the flush on his face as Steve looked up at him, Billy looked down and realized for the first time in a long time, he was nervous. His gasped as he felt Steve’s hand wrap around him, stroking slowly and gently. Steve was staring intently at Billy’s face, watching his expressions as he moved. He never broke eye contact as he leaned forward and took Billy into his mouth.

Billy groaned loudly and deeply. He couldn’t remember the last time anything had felt so good. He gripped Steve’s hair, pulling gently, feeling and hearing the moan Steve gave. His breathing picked up which each slide into the soft, warm mouth surrounding him. He felt himself hit the back of Steve’s throat and Steve pulled back, Billy could see the glisten of the spit on Steve’s chin, his legs almost buckled when Steve took him all the way back down. He sped up his pace, determined to get Billy off, and Billy felt it coming up on him, they hadn’t touched in so long and now Billy can’t believe they ever let it happen. His breath was coming out in pants, and he knew he was almost there, he gently tugged Steve’s hair, warning him to either pull off or be ready. He slid to the back of Steve’s throat one last time, then he felt the warmth of his orgasm around him, some of it dribbling from Steve’s mouth. As he came down , he felt one of Steve’s arms around his waist, keeping him up. He leaned forward and kissed Steve deeply. 

As they pulled apart Billy realized Steve was still fully dressed. He reached down and helped pull the shirt of Steve’s body, Steve stood up to get the rest of his clothing off, and Billy sat on the bed, against the headboard. Steve noticed Billy watching and turned his back to him, slowly sliding his underwear down his legs, bending forward and giving Billy a little show. Billy had almost forgotten how sexy Steve could be for him. He watched as Steve turned and slowly crawled up the bed to him. He straddled Billy’s hips and leaned over, pulling the bottle of lube out of the nightstand. He poured some in his hand and slicked his cock up, he slid his hand slowly up and down and Billy watched, mesmerized. 

Steve’s slowly leaned his head backward as he arched his body, fucking up into his fist and he began to roll his hips slowly. He was grinding on Billy and Billy felt himself filling again, his cock suddenly very interested in the beautiful boy on top of him. He brought his hands down and gripped the top of Steve’s thighs, his gaze going back and forth between Steve’s cock and his face. When Steve’s strokes started to become erratic Billy reached down and took over, Steve’s hips now moving of their own accord, Steve gave a little gasp and Billy looked up to see him playing with his nipples, gently stroking them as Billy jerked him. Steve’s body went stiff and Billy felt his release over his fist. Billy stroked him through it until Steve gave a small whimper, signaling he was overstimulated. He leaned forward, head against Billy’s shoulder as he came down, Billy running his hands up and down his back. Steve realized Billy was hard again and began to pull back, wanting to take care of him but Billy held him close.

“Stay, it’ll be fine, just let me hold you.” So Steve settled back, adjusting so they were more comfortable. Eventually they shifted so they were lying next to each other, Steve’s head on Billy’s chest. “You said some good stuff happened, tell me.” 

“John opened his own firm again, asked me back. That’s where I’ve been working, that’s what I was going to tell you, it’s why I quit the grocery store. Things have been really good at work. His partner was impressed with the way I handle the office, they gave me a raise and they’re gonna help me become a paralegal.” He smiled up at Billy.

“I’m proud of you baby, really proud. I quit with all the drinking. Went back to the physical therapist. The arm is already starting to feel better. I kinda figured that even if we weren’t together I owed it to you to get my shit together, that if you ever let me apologize you deserved me doing it with a clear head.” Steve leaned up and kissed Billy.

“We gotta talk about it some more.” 

“I know. We will. You still seeing your therapist? Maybe she could help.” 

“I’ll ask. If not, she could probably recommend someone. Are you sure? I don’t want to force you.” 

“I’m sure pretty boy, I don’t want this to ever happen again. You’re the only one for me, the only one I see. This can’t ever happen again. I won’t make it without you. I love you.” 

“I love you too, always going to.” Steve kissed Billy once more and they settled in, letting sleep claim them.


End file.
